Notes on Marie Kondo

The second week into the New Year 2022, I caught COVID. It was only a matter of time since Omicron had become the variant du jour. Contracting COVID after holding out for two long years seemed a perfectly fitting start to a New Year that felt less like a fresh beginning and more like a disastrous rebound from the previous year. Luckily, my bout was mild, aside from a headache and slight fever. After binging the entire series of Ozark in one 24-hour sitting and feeling like the world was utterly void of hope, I peeled myself out of bed, decided to figure out my life, and cleaned out my closet.

Despite doing all the right New Year's rituals, like eating cold black-eyed peas at midnight to bring luck and fortune into the new year, my 2022 wasn't off to a very promising start. I had just retained a lawyer and begun the legal process to update my divorce agreement. My relationship with my ex had followed the arc of our national conversation surrounding COVID, starting with slightly annoying but manageable disagreements and spiraling into a full-on disconnect where the division between us seemed so deep and entrenched that it seemed we lived not just on separate sides but in separate realities. We'd tried mediation unsuccessfully. And during the few times we exchanged words, it always resulted in a bitter impasse. I marveled with grief and astonishment that 13 years of partnership could unravel beyond repair. In the two years since the virus, everything seemed chaotic, disorganized, and a complete fucking mess. I needed order. I needed control.

Enter Marie Kondo.

For those unfamiliar with the Kondo method of decluttering, it involves physically holding items that you

own, asking yourself if they spark joy, and, if not, verbally thanking them and letting them go. Some variations of the method recommend talking to your items — giving them the respect and honor they deserve. I don't know how much of it was COVID, the half bottle of wine I had consumed the night before, the fact that I was rounding out my fourth full day of being alone and isolated, or that we'd been asked to act like everything was normal when in fact nothing had been normal for far too long, but talking to my articles of clothing out loud didn't seem unreasonable.

Ohhh damn, sparkly red dress, you are just as pretty as I remembered! Damn right, we sure had fun together, huh! Yeah, a lot has changed since I saw you... I've aged quite a lot. I'm a mom now, and there's been this massive pandemic, and I feel a little self-conscious. Maybe people would think I was trying too hard if I wore you? I haven't been out dancing in ages. Honestly, I can't remember the last time I let loose like we used to. Come to think of it, I can't remember the last time I had fun. You always made me feel like something hot — like I was on fire. You always knew how to hug me just the right way. You knew how to light that little spark in me a little. Not sure if it's even there anymore. Ok... if you insist, I'll try you on just for fun. Whoa! You're a little tight around the middle and the butt, but damn, girl! Yes. I see that woman, too. I'd forgotten who she was. With a little makeup, some high heels, and that spark... we could be back together just like old times. I'll let you stay, girl… my groove is coming back!

Comfy jeans... Bestie! Come over here and hug me! You've been with me through a lot. I know you fit a little tighter than usual. What can I say? It's been a challenging past few months. I'm on a little exercise routine, so it'll be easier for you in a couple of weeks. What's that you say? Just like last year? And the year before that, when I only kept up the routine for two weeks after the New Year. Bitch. This year is different! I'm turning over a new leaf. Be careful what you say. I may not need you when I get hot girl summer skinny. I'll keep you for now because you've always been there for me, even if you call me out and keep me honest.

Oh hey, old holey underwear. Honestly, lady... I'm not sure how you've managed to avoid the cut for so long… What's that you say? You were only for emergencies when I didn't do laundry? Seems fitting. Well, old friend, gotta hand it to ya, you've seen some shit over the years. You've been a close friend through some rough times (some wicked bouts of the stomach flu and postpartum whatever the hell was happening). I hate to see you go, but… I have to have some self-decency here. Thank you for your service.

Black suit set! What's up? Wow, it's been a while. Bravo for staying relevant for so long. That is, until the pandemic. Yeah, now everything is on Zoom, so really, I don't have a need for you, Jacket, (because let's face it, do virtual meetings really require you to be that formal?) And Pants, sorry — you are totally irrelevant. I sure do appreciate you both helping to get my first job. Who knew that it would start the chain of events in my life that landed me where I am today? I love my job now! You'll never believe that I am a Director. I know, right!? Someone thought it would be a good idea if I were in charge... of EVERYTHING. I've learned so much over the years and gained some wisdom and self-assurance too. I'm going to let you go and give some confidence to some young woman out there who is just starting out and doesn't know yet that one day she'll be a baddie in charge, too.

Random ass sock! Where is your partner?! I literally just saw you guys together a while ago when I put you in the washer. What? The washer took him? Where? The same place that sunglasses, kids' mittens, and car keys are?! Oh dear. That isn't good. I am so sorry for your loss. Why don't you hang out with this other sock that looks kind of similar? He lost his partner a couple of months back. You guys look like the type of couple where the trauma bond could work.

Sexy lingerie. Yep, it's me. I know it's been forever. Yeah, the last time we saw each other, it was like, hi and bye, I know! It's been forever because I am still single. Yeah, I am in the me mode — trying to fall back in love with myself, as they say. I have been hanging out a lot lately with my fat pants, and they said hello. I have to be honest; I've really been feeling them lately. Thank you for all you've done in the shockingly brief time we have seen each other, but I am going for comfort rather than performance these days. You keep being your sexy self too!

Weird trendy shirt dress thing. How do I get you… on. Yikes! No offense, but I can't anymore. It's not you, it's me. I just got you because it was trendy. I wanted to fit in. I feel more self-confident now about myself and don't follow any trends other than those I love. Yep — that's the beauty of middle age, you kind of stop giving a fuck what people think. Red Dress was just helping to remind me of that. Tell you what, I am going to put you into the bag here, and you will end up at a thrift shop or consignment store, and in about 20 years, some kid is going to come buy you thinking they're trendsetting. I know! Your time isn't done, friend. Keep being you!

Wedding Dress. Hey girl. My, my... you are beautiful. No, honey, it didn't work out. You probably always knew deep down but didn't want to say it. I get it. We both imagined it would turn out differently. The good news is that two beautiful daughters came from the marriage. As you can imagine, I won't be needing you anymore. Not gonna lie, I considered burning you with some other memorabilia while playing Ani DiFranco or some rage metal. Glad I didn't too. I am going to let you and the hope for a different future go. Maybe if I do a ritual or blessing for you, you won't bring the bad jiu jiu with you. I hope you make someone very happy one day.

Maternity tank top, wow! We used to be such good friends. You really saved me back then. Yes, yes! They are growing up fast. Oh, I miss them resting on me as they slept too. Are those drool stains or milk stains? Who cares? You still smell decent. Well, hon, unless we're in for another weird and wacky miracle of a year, I won't need your services anymore. The babies have grown. They are turning into their own little people with their own personalities to discover. Yes, I am exhausted, but I am so proud, and you would be too.

And so it was: those articles that made the cut stayed, and those that didn't, I thanked and wished well. And while I can't say that this new method sparked new joy in my life, it did remind me of the ebbs and flows of a life well lived. Ultimately, the process was less about sparking joy and more about reflecting on parts of my story, thanking them, and letting them go. No control was gained. However, accepting that I had no control of any of it felt pretty cathartic.

It's been years since I Kondo-ed my closet. I have new articles of clothing that have witnessed different eras of my life, and though I have grown (both physically and emotionally), the world still feels a little chaotic. Perhaps it's time to have another heart-to-heart with my wardrobe again. Those strange cloth masks that are buried in the drawyer have some stories to tell.

Reading: Marie Kondo's: The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up (duh)

Listening to: Blue Jeans by Lana Del Ray